Author: Gregory Walker

We are free to choose the kind of person we want to share our lives with. Admittedly we intend to love someone based on our desired preference. Though there are religions and traditions that practice match-making, dynastic urgency, or social convention, most of us are not forced into a relationship for these reasons. However, in reality, our choice of lover is a lot less free than we can imagine. The idea of who we want to care for and love usually comes from a part that we never entirely look into – our childhood.

There is a strong psychological history that influences us to fall in love with certain types of people. We think of it as a preference-based emotional attachment. It goes along the grooves formed in our childhood, focusing only on perfection and romanticism. That explains why we often look for individuals who are too good to be true in many ways. There is an emotional entrapment because we only see love as a form of generosity, kindness, and tenderness. But when we think about it, these distinguished preferences come from our first-hand experience with our parents. Therefore, our desire for love from someone is based on how our parents treat us when we’re kids.

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How We Choose Our Partner?

Understandably, we often look away from those people who do not fit our desired preferences, but seeking marriage counseling can sometimes assist bridge the gap in differences. The prospected candidates do not satisfy our yearning for complexity that we want to associate with love and relationship. Thus, we usually describe these individuals as “boring,” “unattractive,” and “not our type” However, there is a truth we meant by that. Our ideology is that we see these people who we turn down will unlikely make us feel loved. It will less likely create the same impact we often see with our parents’ relationship when we were kids.

Nevertheless, there’s a realization that we need to consider as well. The perfection in our partner that we aim so much can also come from the opposite reflection of our parents. Meaning, when we often witness marital complications when we were kids, we automatically want to destroy the continuation of that unfortunate scenario. Love gets tangled with certain painful experiences. There’s the feeling of not being good enough. It goes with betrayal, jealousy, and abuse. There’s a sense that one cannot be fully vulnerable in front of the other. We often witness this kind of relationship with our parents. So as we grow older, we try our best to avoid experiencing the same.

But some instances choosing a partner is merely a challenge we intend to give ourselves. We hang on to those complicated individuals because they provide the thrilling experience of pain, anxiety, agony, and rage at the same time. We always choose them to be in our lives because these complicated people give us satisfaction whenever we feel out of the ordinary.

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Why Stick With The Difficult Partner?

It often becomes common to receive advice from others to leave our complicated partners to settle with someone more wholesome. But this can be easier said than done. Our ability to endure pain is what makes us more drawn to the idea of love. We cannot magically redirect our feelings and get easily attracted to someone we think is the opposite of our current partner. But we do not also let go of the possibility of getting a room for change. That explains why instead of looking for someone new, we put too much effort into aiming for our partner’s transformation.

However, there is always a solution in handling situations better. That is why instead of initiating and trying very hard to alter our partners, we would choose to make room for small considerations. From there, we make simple adjustments to our responses and behaviors to occasionally handle the difficulty of our partners.

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Takeaway

We might find it hard to change our templates for attraction probably. But we can always re-engineer our instincts and learn to react based on how our partners communicate and interact with us. We need to think through the constructive and mature manner of handling the relationship like a rational adult. We should not regard the whole commitment as a replica of our parents’ relationship that we often see as a child. We need to become open-minded with the enormous opportunity to get away from our childlike preferences and focus on adult patterns.

The challenge of handling someone difficult should not go with “I have to fix you,” “I deserve this,” and “You need to change.” It should be handled with “I don’t have to feel bad,” “It’s no one’s fault,” and “You are okay the way you are.” We have to remember that the answer is not always to end the relationship, regardless of having a complicated partner. Instead, there is a need to strive to deal with the compelling challenges to grow up mentally and emotionally fully.

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All marriages struggle with their relationship, and there is no exemption to that. Despite each couple’s ability to understand the situation and compromise, there will still be times when both won’t sustain their individual needs. Regardless of whether the marital issue is solvable or should lead to divorce, it is guaranteed that most married couples have similar concerns. Some factors can ruin their marital commitment, and sometimes they go unnoticeable. To know what those are, below is the list.

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Finances – Married couples often fight about money. Regardless of their ability to avoid misinterpreting each other, financial issues will surely become part of their misunderstandings one way or another. Financial matters cater to broad needs, whether personal, child care, home responsibilities, social life, and so on. Often, couples are uncomfortable discussing financial matters because usually, only one of them is earning money. However, for instance, that both can provide for the family, issues can still escalate as to how much they are allowed to spend and hold some cash.

Labor Division – Married couples usually have issues with labor division, especially related to household chores. For the likes of the husband, usually, they do not intend to commit to doing a lot in the house since they are the ones providing for the family. Therefore, it would be safe to say that the wife should be responsible for taking care of the needs of the children and the house. However, the imbalance creates a problem as most wives feel that marriage is a little bit unfair. Because not only do the wives handle everything in the house, they are also responsible for remembering and taking care of small things, making them busy and unavailable for rest.

Parenting Differences – Parenting is an entirely common marital issue that most couples do not want to discuss. Perhaps they know that the conversation might not end well regarding who has the more right to ruling the kids. Usually, tension regarding how often or who the children should socialize with, what the kids should achieve, and how they should behave are the things that couples struggle to deal with. The parenting differences can cause a rift in the couple because often, the other becomes in favor while the other parent disapproves.

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Boredom – Not all relationship succeeds just by staying the same. Whether they like it or not, the marital relationship will soon come to a point where both individuals will feel bored with each other. They will become less interested in what they once enjoyed and somehow feel that their love for each other is wearing off. At times, marriage can be salvageable. There are things that married couples can do to keep the relationship back on track. They can experiment in doing exciting things together. Sadly, most of the time, it gets to a point where one or both couple calls it quits.

Abuse – No marriage goes on for years without abuse. There are always some instances in that a husband or a wife abuses their partner for whatever reason. Abuse is not just about physical aspects. It also caters to family mental health and the emotional torture one experiences inside a marital relationship. Note that each married coupes’ are different. So if some may consider allowance for mistakes, others may choose to leave the relationship without a blink of an eye. Every decision concerning abuse depends on the couple’s mental and emotional tolerance and resilience.

Intimacy – Yes, sex is a factor that mostly affects married couples. It is a known fact that sexual intimacy is the turning point of the marital relationship. Couples who are frequently having sex may find themselves more connected and passionate with each other. But note that it does not mean that those who are not intimate are unusual. Couples may have a different representation of intimacy. However, in common situations, married couples struggle with their sexual compatibility or incompatibility. Sadly, that explains why some of them end up dissatisfied.

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Jealousy – Marriage won’t be complete without jealousy. As much as couples want to deny it, there is always a portion in their relationship that one or both of them feel insecure. Jealousy in marriage is crucial as it can cause turmoil in the emotional aspects of both individuals. It is stressful because it comes with doubts, fear, and anxiety, leading to a whole new level of mental health problems. Jealousy in marriage can also spur conflict due to unrealistic expectations.

Keeping Scores – It is the root of all misunderstandings in marital relationships. Keeping score is a potential breaker of a relationship as couples may find themselves too focused on their partner’s wrongdoings. It hinders them from appreciating the beauty of being together as they build resentment towards one another. Keeping score in marriage is a habit that not all married couples can see. Unfortunately, it is also not something that husband and wife can easily avoid.

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I recall vividly the first few sessions I had with my counselor when I was telling her that my marriage was failing, and I think it’s really over between my partner and me. I sought counseling on my own because I didn’t even have the courage or the eagerness to invite my partner to come with me. My counselor then allowed me to open up to her and express my sadness, frustration, and disappointment. There was very little hope left in me, and Alba, my counselor, was merely there to be a sounding board to listen to the whole gamut of feelings and issues that I had.

After a few months of counseling, I slowly instilled hope in myself, and I decided to ask my partner if he was willing to try and fix our marriage. Surprisingly, he wanted to. That was the beginning of the end of our constant blaming and arguing. We eventually came to look forward to our visits with Alba, as everything we learned about forgiving, understanding, and accepting, we learned from counseling.

One crucial thing that I want to share with you is that my partner and I – just like you and your partner – have numerous differences. Perhaps like us, you too will come to learn how to recognize and embrace each other’s differences.

Below are some things that I learned about my partner:

• His Way Of Communicating. We have our unique ways of connecting with others, both close to us and those with whom we are just establishing relationships. We communicate with each other, and how we deal with our partners and their desires is vital in keeping a positive and healthy marriage.

• His Way Of Handling Conflict. As with communication style, we have various ways of handling conflict, but often we don’t exert enough effort and time to understand how our partners deal with conflict. In couples counseling, the third party (the counselor) observes and determines methods to handle conflict and meet each other halfway to avoid misunderstanding.

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• He Is Not Perfect. You might be wondering, “It’s obvious why they need to see a counselor.” However, we frequently have high standards for our partners that we do not even extend them with the patience and kindness that they have earned. In our sessions, I realized that my partner is not perfect, but so am I. But despite the imperfection, we must only find ways to fill each other’s flaws so that the marriage is ‘perfectly’ established.

• Differences Are Not Insufficiencies. I sometimes hear people say that they are the exact opposite of their partner. Realistically, we are all uniquely and wonderfully made. My partner and I have distinct personalities, beliefs, and values, as we were raised from different backgrounds. We committed to work through our various personalities and learned strategies to help us avoid conflict.

• He Has His Own Love Language. My partner knows that he easily sways me when he buys me plants to add to my garden, and a short back massage can change my most unpleasant mood. A healthy serving of my baked chicken with gravy, on the other hand, pacifies him. Indeed, my partner and I have a different love language, and I am thankful that we learned that through counseling.

• We Don’t Connect In The Same Way. As a couple, we often struggle to look for ways to connect, which was a major factor that led to conflict. Through counseling, I learned that my partner would rather talk it out in person because he hates texting or chatting, but I don’t really mind if I talk with him on the phone for hours. It seems that I can’t get enough of him when he’s not home!

• He Has Other Priorities – And That’s Okay. Going to my parents’ house on weekends is a priority for me outside of my marriage. However, my partner makes it a point to go fishing twice a week, and I used to find it impractical and costly. I learned, though, that it was his way of relaxing and spending time for himself. It keeps his mental and physical well-being at bay.

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• He Needs Me For Most Things. Before we went to counseling, I always thought my partner was too clingy and dependent on me. However, I didn’t think I was too selfish when I obliged him to keep me company when I went shopping because I didn’t want to drive – and he does it anyway. Counseling helped us realize that we had different needs from each other and whether they were relatively simple or complicated, they are needs that we both can provide as partners – because we loved and respected each other.

Conclusion

Couples counseling has played a tremendous role in saving my marriage and helping my partner and me establish a healthy and positive relationship. Are you having problems with your marriage? Try to consult a counselor in your area. He might be what you and your partner need.

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Are you having problems with your significant other because of psychological conflict? This conflict may be a sign of cognitive dissonance. It is common in every relationship, but most people are not aware of it.

If you want to know more about cognitive dissonance and how you can manage it, read on.

The word “cognitive” relates to conscious intellectual activities like thinking, remembering, and reasoning. On the other hand, dissonance refers to the lack of agreement.

Social psychologist Leon Festinger first introduced the Cognitive Dissonance Theory (CDT) in 1957. It refers to the discomfort in maintaining consistency between two thoughts, beliefs, behaviors, attitudes, and values. We struggle once we find conflict within these multiple cognitions.

So, what is the connection of cognitive dissonance to relationships?

Your current significant other may not be your ideal partner, but you accept them for who they are and stay in the relationship. Another example is when your partner does things you’re not fond of, but you try to compromise with them.

When these things happen, you have a conflict between your cognition and your partner’s. That is cognitive dissonance.

Moreover, cognitive dissonance may lead to infidelity. There may be a discrepancy in a person’s self-concept, leading them to cheat even if they believe they are loyal and faithful.  When this happens, they experience psychological discomfort, affecting their thoughts and feelings.

Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is a type of psychotherapy where you talk to your therapist regarding your thoughts, feelings, and conflicts. This therapy aids in resolving disagreements in relationships, among many issues. Cognitive-behavioral therapy can help if you struggle with opening up about your feelings.

You should always consult an expert—your mental health provider, for advice. They can recommend any treatment, like therapies, they deem helpful for you.

Below are some frequently asked questions about cognitive dissonance.

What is cognitive dissonance therapy?

If the consequences of cognitive dissonance have become too severe, you can seek the help of a therapist. You might discover that specific thoughts are influencing your behavior for the worse.

Your therapist will work with you to untangle the web of beliefs and ideas you may have about a situation. Once you recognize the disparity between your thoughts and behavior, it becomes easier to resolve it.

Why is cognitive dissonance bad?

Cognitive dissonance is not always harmful. But if your behavior is not aligned with your core values, you may experience intense feelings. It may include feelings of shame, guilt, and stress. These emotions can negatively affect your self-esteem and interpersonal relationships.

As a result, you might engage in maladaptive behaviors to reconcile the contradictions.

Is cognitive dissonance a disorder?

No, but it can cause emotional distress and harmful behaviors. People may deliberately avoid information that does not conform to their beliefs. They may also refuse a healthy debate to resolve the conflict. In some cases, cognitive dissonance can strain relationships and prevent self-growth.

What is cognitive dissonance in relationships?

It refers to the dissonance that arises when your partner’s beliefs or behaviors may not align with your own. Your partner may have different views on mundane things. But you need to be on the same boat when it comes to planning your future.

You may choose to have an in-depth conversation to resolve the cognitive dissonance or make compromises.

What are the 4 types of relationships?

The four types of interpersonal relationships are between families, friends, acquaintances, and romantic partners. Relationships are bonds between two or more people. It can be long-lasting or short-lived. The duration depends on the commitment of those involved to maintain the relationship.

What are some examples of cognitive dissonance?

A person may experience cognitive dissonance due to inherited beliefs about themselves and the world. One example is smokers and alcoholics justifying their harmful habits.

Another example is when a person is taught that being gay is a sin. They might experience cognitive dissonance when the person then identifies as a member of the said community. It can also come in the form of acquired biases or misconceptions about minority groups.

How do you break cognitive dissonance?

It might be impossible to eliminate cognitive dissonance. However, you can reduce the resulting mental tension by changing your behavior.

You can also alter your beliefs so that they are in accordance with your actions. It might be uncomfortable, but you may have to unlearn and relearn particular ideas that may not be relevant anymore.

How do you recognize cognitive dissonance?

Cognitive dissonance is when you feel conflicted over something but do not know how to move forward. It might be hard to recognize it at the onset, but you can take a step back to ask why you feel conflicted.

Pay close attention to the thoughts, feelings, and ideas you have about a situation. For severe cases of cognitive dissonance, it’s best to seek professional help.

How does cognitive dissonance lead to an attitude change?

To reduce cognitive dissonance, a person may:

1. Change their existing beliefs,
2. Acquire new information that supports their belief, or
3. Reduce the importance of said beliefs.

A person seeking to sustain their smoking habit can refuse to believe that smoking is harmful. They may also seek out information that confirms their belief. They may even adopt a belief that the short-term benefits of smoking outweigh the long-term consequences.

How does cognitive dissonance affect workplace behavior?

It varies depending on their beliefs and behaviors. But then,  cognitive dissonance can affect employee performance and work relationships. For instance, an employee may discover that the company has questionable practices that do not align with his values. To reduce the tension, they may justify unethical behavior.

At the same time, there is also a tendency to make excessive rationalizations. They may lose motivation to perform their job. It is also possible to experience heightened workplace stress that can affect their productivity.

Why does cognitive dissonance occur?

Cognitive dissonance occurs due to discrepancies between a person’s beliefs and actions or their beliefs and values. It’s not always possible to act in strict accordance with our beliefs all the time.  Cognitive dissonance is a necessary component of a child’s learning process.

What is an example of dissonance?

Cognitive dissonance is when a person knows that smoking is harmful to their health but keeps on doing it anyway. Another example is when you keep making excuses to put off exercise even though you’re aware of its many health benefits.

How does cognitive dissonance operate in everyday life?

Cognitive dissonance is not always blatant. It usually comes in the form of everyday excuses we make in life. From missing an exercise day or justifying a “white lie,” we sometimes think or do things that contradict our values. The tension depends on how severe the contradiction is.

What is cognitive conflict?

Cognitive conflict is another term for cognitive dissonance. When a person …

It is funny how relationships get ruined for no reason. Yes, a relationship, just like many other relationships, may fail even without the presence of a third party. That is because emotional and mental health issues, such as depression, can become a factor. Some might not agree with that, I know. But for those couples who are struggling with mental and emotional health issues, the reality is different. This is why it’s important to learn about depression and relationships.

Not all relationships can work, especially when one or both of them already decided that things aren’t under control. Marriage counseling may not always cure the problem. Some instances believe that the mere reason for a failed commitment is falling out of love. But I doubt that. No one easily falls out of love just because they think it’s trendy or entirely necessary. There is a strong reason behind that statement, as well as for quite a while, I realized it was all because of the mental and emotional damage present in the love affair.

Depression is a very real and strong enemy. It has the power to ruin many things. It can affect families and also one’s career. It can be a silent killer, slowly eating away at us until we are no longer able to keep up with the demands of our walk or everyday life. I have witnessed how depression destroys your love for your partner first-hand. Of course, it is not a pretty sight.

How Depression Affected My Relationship

My experience started when my long-term boyfriend was diagnosed with depression. Initially, I didn’t understand the severity of his condition. At the same time, I have no clue how it would affect our love. I thought I could be a positive force in his life. I thought I could help him through it, but it quickly became apparent that I was unprepared for the mental along with emotional toll it would take on me.

I started to feel overwhelmed at that time. I felt helpless – like there was nothing I could do to make him feel better. Our love affair had been so strong for so long, but now it was crumbling before my eyes. I started to become resentful. I felt frustrated as well that I blamed myself for not being able to help him. I felt like a failure for the reason that I was struggling to maintain my own mental well-being.

The Hardest Decision I Made

I eventually had to make the difficult decision to end our relationship. It was heartbreaking. I felt like I had failed him. But I knew that it was the healthiest option for both of us. I had to put my own mind along with emotional well-being first. I couldn’t continue to be in an unhealthy situation anymore.

Despite my worries, I decided to focus on my own healing recovery treatment. I started to see a therapist. I also attended support groups to help me in coping with the trauma of the failed commitment. I worked hard to move on from the pain while starting to build a better future for myself.

As the years passed, I was able to forgive myself for the mistakes I made as well as for leaving my partner. I also learned that it was okay to recognize my own limitations. It was fine to set my own boundaries also not to mention to respect my own emotional and mental health.

Wrapping Up

I am grateful for the lessons I learned in that relationship, and I am now living a more balanced as well as a healthier life. I am still in touch with my ex-boyfriend. I am pleasantly surprised to find out that he is doing much better. He is managing his mood disorder with the help of local resources,  also advice from therapists, including medically reviewed medication. He is living a more fulfilling life.

I still struggle with depression. Depression affects my relationships, but I am more aware of its power now; I know my own limitations. I have learned to be more compassionate while having a better understanding of myself. I am also more aware of my needs and boundaries. I am more willing to take care of myself now. 

Depression is a powerful force, and it can have a serious impact on relationships. But with love, support, and understanding, it is possible to overcome the challenges it brings, You can also live a healthier yet more balanced life.

You might not agree with me, but let me explain some things to you from these frequently asked questions. From there, it is your choice to look deep into these answers. I also recommend trying to use them for your own evaluation.

How Does Mental Illness Affect Commitment?

According to a therapy expert, mental health problems are extremely painful. It is a traumatic moment for all individuals as it creates a huge impact on emotional components. It impacts people’s ability to express empathy due to persistent feelings of anxiety and isolation. It causes codependency or even resentment. There is a struggle to know what individuals should do to cope with their stress while trying their best to manage other life pressure.

Anxiety and depression affect relationships in a very unnoticeable way. Sometimes, it can leave both parties unaware of their words, actions, as well as behaviors. Often, the mental health condition makes it impossible for both individuals to look beneath what is more important.

What Is The Relationship Of Stress To Mood Disorder?

When stress is prolonged, there is a chance that it promotes an overwhelming feeling. The risks of developing medical problems, including mental health problems, increase. Chronic stressful life situations are inevitable. Thus, the possibility of having MDD is right around the corner. However, the damages are not limited to that. Stress contributes to more health issues such as sleep problems, substance use problems, pain, bodily complaints, inability to focus as well as concentration, etc.

 What Are The Types Of Major Mood Disorders?

The common types of depression are Major Depression, Bipolar Disorder, Persistent Depressive Disorder, Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD), Psychotic Depression, Peripartum (Postpartum) Depression, and Situational Depression.

 What Diseases Are Linked To Major Mood Disorders?

Some examples of diseases linked to depression are arthritis, kidney disease, diabetes, heart disease, lupus, HIV/AIDS, and multiple sclerosis (MS). Even Hypothyroidism also leads to depressed feelings. That is due to the fears besides anxiety that tend to build up over time.

What Is The Number One Cause Of MDD?

Research shows that depression does not just occur from simply having too little or too much of certain chemicals in the brain. Rather, there are many possible causes of the mental disorder including genetic vulnerability, abuse, addiction, death or loss of a loved one, conflict, medications, stressful life events, …